I wonder what I would be like if I could stop repressing all of the things that matter.
As I'm open to some I feel it's too much that I share,
and when I'm alone, I feel everything bubble up,
and once I show a bit I end up revealing everything at once
because I never would otherwise.
As I try so hard to find an easier way to live my life,
I continue to trip over my own mistakes and as I do that,
I seem to make more and more of them to continue my circle of hurt.
All of my mistakes impact people and without meaning to,
they add to all of the pressure that I constantly carry atop my shoulders.
I have found that the heaviest hearts are
never the ones to blame for their weight.
It's hard to function when all of my senses are clouded by
the overwhelming ball of plastic that blocks my path.
Even the lightest hearts carry even the slightest bit of weight because
every second of every day leaves anyone scarred even in the most
inconspicuous, unreal ways.
I understand that there are things so much more terrifying than the fear that
I carry with me every day.
These are the times that I wish that I could rip off my physical facade
so that people could see that I don't mean to be the way that I am,
that there's a viable reason for some of my self-hatred.
On the outside,
I try my damnest to say that I love myself,
and I try to be the nicest that I can be for the sake of all of the other
cells in the big sea that I'm dying to live in,
and maybe that's not my problem.
Maybe I am in a way, saying too much.
Too many words slipping out of my mouth at once
encourages the mad confusion that I can never stop.
The irony of the cheeryest season being my worst is strangling me.
The perpetual nausea that sticks to the inners of my skin makes me retch inside.
Finding my own body's nervousness fighting me is the purest horror to live with.
The disappointing factor is that when people barely look at me,
they see none of this at all.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.