Things I shouldn't be doing.

So holding things up in my mind is a horrible habit. 

That's obvious.

But, would it be acceptable if someone took my life,

like a car out of my hands and decided to drive?

And after that, they crashed it?

Is it okay to have those irritating thoughts then?

I was fine when we weren't speaking, 

but with one thing that I needed to discuss went over, 

and now I've no clue what to do.

I know that you won't reach out. 

In my mind, trust me, I'm reaching as far as I can,

but I know that I would just never be able to get the words out. 
All because someone else took charge of something that they had no rights to; my voice.

I never gave it to her, and now it's gone and there's no getting it back. 

Perhaps I deserve it for pushing you away. 

Or maybe I should push you further.

It's unfathomable to be looked at. 

Someone else's eyes clawing over you,

inferring how you feel behind the glassy eyes beneath the glasses,

or how your clothes fit, or even if you know what you're doing.

It was fine when I thought that I was the only one doing it,

but I'm no where near sure that I would want someone returning the favor.

This is the body that I cry about at night because I hate the way it looks and 

even less for the way it acts. 

I hate the absent minded soul that lives in it. 

And it kills me to be aware that there's another person looking at it,

maybe seeing through it,

but I fear that no matter how shallow the eyes see through to, 

they see a shattered piece of glass

being held together by a scarlet, dwindling rope. 

And I shouldn't be thinking any of this. 

I should be confident enough to allow my soul to leave my body 

and forget about all of the potential eyes on me. 

It should just be that simple. 

Black and white, 

you're fine or you're not. 

But I never am. 

For whatever the reason I feel like there's always something wrong. 

As a car collapsing to the unforgiving road due to it's increasing age. 

I am a young, immature, emotional wreck,

but somehow the rest of them do it just fine. 

They talk to the people they want and they actually know where to start.

They are not stuck on the first word and they can see beyond it, behind it and all over. 

There's another thing I shouldn't be doing; comparing myself to others.

Sure I'm supposed to learn from their mistakes but

comparing is wrong because we're all supposed to be different. 

It's nice to be different when you know that everyone else is, 

because you have something to cling to as you fall to your death.

I spend so much of my time wishing that I was the same as something, anything really.

One of the main things I know is that I should talk about my problems first.

But not enough to annoy the people without the same problems, 

because that's inconsiderate.

And never about the problems that are too personal, 

those are the ones that you can save for you pillow case at three. 

Oh, and remember to keep you mouth stitched up because

you never know when someone might actually hear that you have a mind

to correspond with theirs. 

Keep your delicate fingers intertwined withing themselves because

though you have no release to your thoughts,

razors are for your soon-to-be smooth legs that you must have. 

Make sure that you do well in school so that you can get into good colleges,

but never raise your hand because they're in your pockets remember?

Make sure to keep those stitches up because you wouldn't 

want to shatter the hourglass figure you barely maintain with a slice of pizza. 

Be sure to keep your eyes glued to the floor because 

they could meet up with someone else's and they might actually talk to you. 

Don't forget to keep you heart cold enough to see 

your shortening breaths on it as it palpitates back and forth.

Up into your throat, and all of a sudden into your empty stomach. 

Make sure to look glad enough for people to never ask questions of you

because they might ask the right ones. 

Look at me now.

See through me, I dare you.

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.