I long to fall.
Never again in the loving sense,
but fall in the sense that I no longer need to cling to you.
Free-fall so that I may release you from my flailing limbs.
I wish to flash-forward to a time that is not this one for a moment,
a time not my own, a life even.
Though never hers,
for I've no inkling as to what I would do,
had I been able to hold the hazel light of your eyes
in the palms of my hands, like dew-drops from the grass
during those glorious summer days that we would stay linked.
No, I would never take a second of that from her.
These are the times I long to push you far away.
Hell, these are the times I wish you'd move to Alaska.
Feeling the same cold that I would exude onto you,
but you being nowhere close enough to me to know where it originated.
To meet and shake the shaky hands of the anxious voice in me
that convinces me that I was never good enough anyway.
Maybe I wasn't.
Perhaps I am not not ever will be.
Somehow I'm meant to smile and blink away my salty sense of reality.
Appreciate my painful youth because though it hurts so much,
it's my youth and I will only ever get one.
I wish you knew though, that you were it.
You were what I wanted my youth to be.
During these times,
it becomes really hard to not blame myself.
To deny the fact that I could have been so honest.
I cannot blame fear.
I was supposed to conquer all of it.
This instead feels like a story gone wrong
But no one really recognizes the true ending but me.
I wishd for you crippling amnesia.
If I admitted the truth now, I know it would be so much worse.
But there is no true downward spiral without the down.
I want to let all of the pain be taken into the eye of the tornado
that I will no longer try to stop.
That's coping right?
Allowing the pain to exist within you.
But then comes the hard part of letting it all out.
Making sure that it will never happen again in the same way.
Ensuring that it will never happen again in front of you.
Though it'd have been nice for you to know that I was hurting.
But all at once, I needed to appear as giddy as the Spring.
Spring, beautiful, blessed season of growth, allowed to be a wreck.
Although I may not be able to display my hardship like Lady Spring,
we both have the water building within our clouds.
Neither of us have the arms of another to weep in anymore.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.