I need to know that certain things that
I don't tolerate in myself are actually completely normal.
I should know that pain is one of the most normal types of feelings in existence.
I do hate that I must feel so much of it right now,
but I can't get rid of any of it.
I'm at a very low time in my life, and that's okay too.
I simply wish that you weren't at such a high in yours.
You're happy and well-loved,
and I couldn't feel farther from both.
Although, I'd accept neither of those feelings from anyone but you.
Oh another thing to long for.
Independence from your affection.
I long to not need your eyes,
and the sliver of your heart that I've been tugging at for so long.
I long to be okay with you without being hopelessly in love with you.
I long for a sense of reality that knows that what I'm experiencing isn't even love,
it is mere infatuation.
I wish that were gone,
that I coud flick the light out of my eyes for a month.
For I do not need to see the sweet love surrounding me in February,
like an abundance of olive oil treaking through my clear waters.
There are so many things that I wish were normal.
I wish that a clear mind with pristine thoughts was a casual sensation.
I long for my brilliance in something useful like physics instead of poetry.
At a bare minimum, physics is necessary,
and calculations are constant.
My ideals here will never matter to a soul but my own.
I yearn for change yet my heart whispers so intensely the fear of it at once.
I long for the past, for one day when all was calm to be relived,
but for the majority to be a still-life, three dimensional scultpure,
everything intricate and abstract as art.
In this world so far all I have had to cling to has been the past,
like a body pillow with the perfect fuzz.
One looks at the pictures that document time and burn all of the books in a library.
Sounds like something I would do,
with the mind-set that if I burn everything around me,
the bitter feeling that resides in me will hurt so much less that it does right now.
Funny, one needs fuel for fire,
and fire fuels my mind's regret as there is so much.
As I grow,
I think one of my biggest fears is that the worst parts of me will grow too.
Ah euphoria, my dear mistress went missing long ago,
although it seems I've witness the ivory of her smile all around,
along with her ebony hair reaching and pulling on the heart of all those but me.
Though I long to exude a bit of enthusiasm for her as she galavants around,
she does not inspire it and I do not posess the pith to manifest it from myself.
Though if somehow I did,
I think that the selfish in me would have a slight growth spurt at the sight
of my keeping it to myself as I need it urgently so much more than ever.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.