Glad I didn't cancel

So then for a while I went to the depressed place,

and it was definitely a trip that I took souvenirs from

(my arm could tell you better than I could to be perfectly honest)

as I always do. 

My mother taught me to be obedient as well as sentimental,

so I learned to relish in the unspoken rules of what's too fucked up,

and I learned to miss being the happy-go-lucky that I always thought was possible. 

And I'm not saying that it was soley you that drove me to this warranted abandon,

but rather I had scheduled an appointment with my depression and 

then right before it I realized that happiness had been booked right before it 

and I didn't really need to visit my sadness in the depth that I had. 

It was an overdue physical, if you will,

except none of my reflexes were up to par

and my body was being quite literally torn to shreds. 

I became someone that I had been fighting for a really long time,

and I'm happy that I stopped fighting her.

Sure, I have some new scars that I can name like the seven dwarves but scarier,

but perhaps now I can be the snow white that stays clean. 

I realized that I was tired of fighting, 

and that my life should be more than the day to day struggle of 

which version of myself I woke up as that morning. 

I am me, and I am a dark ugly, terrifyingly beautiful mess.

I can't quite explain that to society as I would here,

but having finally concluded my unhealthy check-up,

I think that I can walk into a bar and break all of the bottles

just to ensure that the place, not the people, 

not the people, were wasted away. 

It feels like a great time to forget who I was,

and everything that I looked up to,

just to glance forward for longer that I would look into your eyes and see 

all of the damage that I had done to myself for the sake of hating. 

I will turn the dial on the electric stopwatch of a heart that you left me with,

and it will take me  where I need to go for the time that I need to be there

until I can afford to take on a new one that runs on a more organic fuel that my tears. 

I'm so glad that you took up your physician's offer on your check-up,

but for once, I don't particularly hope that it went too well.

While I had to make sure that I was still breathing, 

you were making sure that your khakis still fit just right.

I'm so glad that your hair is fixed just the right way,

and that I'll never bump into at the hospital. 

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.