Disclaimer- No, I'm not scitzophrenic. This is just how I am sometimes.
There are five different people in my head at once.
There's the one that makes my heart race around people that I want to be calm around.
It makes everything stop and I focus in on all of things that I can't focus on because I know
if I do, I'll burst into tears about things that no one can fix.
It's hectic and tame at once which is just a miniature case of bipolar.
Then, there's the one telling me to let everything out.
But if I do that, like a can of the four winds,
there will be nothing left.
I won't be able to stop because I know that there
are things that have been banging against the walls of my head for so long...
Letting them out would be superfulous because I know none of it matters anymore.
The comfort that I needed won't be there anymore like it was before.
Like a criminal refusing to give himself up but goes to jail and wants to confess...
But it's too late. The bars close around me and my thoughts and everything delays
and it's all too late.
Of course, there's the one that tells me to be sane.
To be as normal as I can (whatever that is).
That my problems aren't as big as I'm making them and I'm being delusional.
Then I just end up feeling like I belong in an asylum...
But, the loudest voice in my head is the one that makes everything hurt.
Everything that I don't say comes through screaming and the
aching in my chest burns more than ever, each time getting worse and more painful.
I can never tell if it's sadness or just my true self telling me that I'm not okay
and it's natural.
And then there's me-
I just want to walk around without anything conflicting against my skull or making me
rethink my everything.
Or, feeling all of the pain that I refuse to let out, that end up being bottled in my mind.
There's the one that tells me that at some point, I'll end up
pouring the bottle on the floor and everything will be poisoned just like me.
This is the voice of logic.
I can't go on, so I'll go on.
Which is fine until that voice actually ends up being right
and I do explode all over the floor...
These voices are making me nuts.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.