I wish there was book to tell you how to feel.
How to comletely fit in.
To be whatever someone wants.
To understand something without getting hurt by it.
To let someone understand you.
How to let people in without getting too close
and have to run away before the backlash and hurt them.
For a thing that's temporary, pain can go on for a lifetime.
Sometimes I wish that I could just be invisible.
Just for a little while.
Just so that you couldn't see my eyes and have to draw them back to reality.
Just long enough that I can let go of what could've been
because I know it can't be.
And this has to be okay because if it isn't,
I know I'm five seconds from falling apart.
Just a little while to accept that this is my fault and
no matter where I see you,
I need to know that I am numb to your touch,
I never notice when you're eyes cross my face,
or when you walk by a room and look for me.
I need to feel that assurance that I take the small pain now, so that
I can't feel the pain later.
I've done this before, but each time it just feels worse.
I need to let you go and yet the wisps of me that I need to
detatch hurt the most to rip away.
I look ahead into the furture, knowing that you weren't meant to be in mine.
I let this go on for far too long.
It'd have been so much easier if I had been more complacent.
I wish I was a horrible person so that
no one would want to get close enough to hurt me.
But the past is still there.
Now I just need to tell myself that you're cold.
That I can't try anymore.
That nothing ever happened at all.
I erase myself from your memories before you even have them.
I numb myself to all of it and give in to sadness,
aware that it's a sacrifice for the future homeostasis of my heart.
I have so much love to give and yet I have to bundle it up
so that no one can have it because by then you've already done most of the damage.
I know that you're waiting for me to continue this.
I understand that you thought I was trustable.
In my heart I know that I am.
But you can't.
I'll feel the pain for two days to stop it for two weeks.
I'll look okay.
And you'll be even better because
you won't know that anything was wrong in the first place.
And I know you wouldn't care even if anything was.
I'll make myself invisble to you.
I'll make you a shard of glass and look right through you.
When I do see you,
I'll see your back because
I know that you can't see me from there.
I'll be invisible to myself if that's where this road takes me.
But that's fine.
I have memories of myself without you in it because
in the end,
we were born alone and will eventually die alone.
Soon, you won't see me at all.
You'll see a ghost-
a thing I've been, am, and always will be in your mind.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.