All of the things in my head.
I find myself in a
quiet,
peaceful,
atmosphere.
I look fine from where everyone stands.
And even if you get up close, you see nothing.
But if I opened my mouth,
all you would hear are screams.
In my mind,
I'm screaming.
"I'm still here. None of me has left.
Dormant as I look, I'm here.
My body may look numb but I see everything that you're doing."
People in comas look completely gone.
As though there is nothign running through them.
I can see why you would think that.
But by that logic,
I've been in a live coma for so long.
No one sees that I know how they act.
I still have the feelings that I used to.
All of them are just jumbled into my head.
I don't breathe too much either.
If I breathe in too deeply,
I know that they'll all come tumbling out like rocks down a hill.
I watched you be happy and I was happy for you on the outside.
But in my head,
I was screaming.
Behind my supportive gaze,
wailing.
And yet no one could see me.
Like looking through a one sided glass door
of my own unintentional creation.
I could've told you.
Maybe I should've.
And now all I have is this heavy cement block
sitting on my chest
weighing me down like an anvil.
I didn't cry.
Maybe I should've.
I could've just taken a hammer to that glass and told you that I was hurting.
And maybe I would've.
If you could've stopped it.
The truth is,
I should've never let you in.
I told myself no and I shouldn't have kept on.
I tried to tell you but the words just wouldn't land.
I was dying inside and I could barely breathe
if I saw you for one more second.
All I could do was hold it in.
Take shallow breaths so that no one knew.
I just shut my mouth and let you be happy.
I only had to endure it for so long.
And yet, here I am.
With all of these thoughts in my head bouncing against a wall that I put up
and can't take down.
Even if I could,
I don't know if I would anymore.
Maybe these thoughts should just stay complacent with themselves.
As they hollow me out,
I continue smiling and you think that I'm just fine.
Maybe this is better.
For now.
Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.