All of the things in my head.

I find myself in a 

quiet,

peaceful,

atmosphere.

I look fine from where everyone stands. 

And even if you get up close, you see nothing. 

But if I opened my mouth, 

all you would hear are screams. 

In my mind,

I'm screaming. 

"I'm still here. None of me has left.

Dormant as I look, I'm here. 

My body may look numb but I see everything that you're doing."

People in comas look completely gone. 

As though there is nothign running through them.

I can see why you would think that.

But by that logic, 

I've been in a live coma for so long.

No one sees that I know how they act. 

I still have the feelings that I used to.

All of them are just jumbled into my head.

I don't breathe too much either.

If I breathe in too deeply,

I know that they'll all come tumbling out like rocks down a hill.

I watched you be happy and I was happy for you on the outside.

But in my head,

I was screaming. 

Behind my supportive gaze,

wailing. 

And yet no one could see me. 

Like looking through a one sided glass door 

of my own unintentional creation.

I could've told you.

Maybe I should've. 

And now all I have is this heavy cement block

sitting on my chest

weighing me down like an anvil.

I didn't cry.

Maybe I should've.

I could've just taken a hammer to that glass and told you that I was hurting.

And maybe I would've.

If you could've stopped it.

The truth is, 

I should've never let you in.

I told myself no and I shouldn't have kept on.

I tried to tell you but the words just wouldn't land.

I was dying inside and I could barely breathe

if I saw you for one more second.

All I could do was hold it in.

Take shallow breaths so that no one knew. 

I just shut my mouth and let you be happy. 

I only had to endure it for so long. 

And yet, here I am.

With all of these thoughts in my head bouncing against a wall that I put up

and can't take down.

Even if I could, 

I don't know if I would anymore. 

Maybe these thoughts should just stay complacent with themselves.

As they hollow me out, 

I continue smiling and you think that I'm just fine.

Maybe this is better. 

For now. 

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.