Transparent.

Earlier in my life, 

I was invisible because no one cared to take an actual look at me. 

I now know how it feels to not be invisible to someone, 

to potentially matter, 

and I realize that I can't take it. 

Being considered close to someone, 

that's weight.

Someone actually cares to study you,

to memorize all of your features, 

and to learn who you are. 

Then there's that shift,

that augmentation that one feels when 

it's no longer a matter of friendship, 

but it metamorphosizes into something completely different. 

After that, 

it's difficult to breathe and as much as I know that I should embrace it, 

I know that I can't manage the possibility of hurt. 

My heart turns into a ball of fear that I shouldn't be clinging to. 

Fear of getting too close, 

fear of abandonement. 

All people are different and I should just trust that not everyone is a betrayer. 

But I can't seem to shake that anxious feeling that something will go terribly wrong. 

I care, I don't think that I can ever stop at this point, 

but I wish that I could. 

Somehow, I wish that I was a horrible person that could leave others behind,

with no conscience. 

True apathy my name I would bear it on my chest. 

Perhaps that would scare you off. 

Far enough that I wouldn't need to care anymore. 

Throwing compassion to the wind,

leaving my soul to the water and rain that runs through it. 

Every time that your reach out, 

and I have to pull away,

it hurts even more. 

I should just tell myself that it doesn't hurt you. 

That I never mattered to you at all. 

I think if I tried to go back to the way that things were, 

I wouldn't know what to do.

I usually know what say in these situations, 

but I'm not sure that I've ever been in this one before. 

Where it's not me giving a relationship life, 

but there's another person that actually cares.

Or perhaps you don't. 

Maybe I was just a time filler for your boredom.

It's so much easier for me to choose the second because 

the other hasn't happened to me before. 

I suppose I don't want to believe that the first is true 

and be slain with disappointment as it becomes the second. 

Though since I'm near sure that you don't think about me,

mayhap I should stop.

I have do have plenty of life left to live,

maybe I should just live better without you on my mind.

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.